Patient: Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am hundred?
Doctor: How old are you now?
Patient: Just 40
Doctor: Do you drink, gamble or smoke?
Patient: No. I do not do any of these.
Doctor: Then why do you want to live for another sixty years?
Doctor: Did you take the medicine yesterday?
Patient: Yes! But I did not drink it.
Patient : Because it is written on the label “Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.”
Patient: I feel like severe itching, please give me some medicine.
Doctor: Take this slip and go to medical shop.
Patient: Will it solve itching?
Doctor: I gave this for growing your nails for itching.
Lady: Doctor, please prescribe me something to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I cannot get into it.
Doctor: Ok! I will give you a good prescription that will help you to reduce. Then you can wear your wonderful new dress.
Lady: Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab test results shows that you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible! What is the worse news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Surgeon – I am afraid we are going to have to operate you again. Because, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.
Patient: Well, no need to do so! I would rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.
Patient: Doctor, are you sure I am suffering from pneumonia? Once a doctor was treating his patient with pneumonia but the patient died of typhus.
Funny Doctor: Do not worry, it would not happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”
Patient: I have swallowed a key.
Patient: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Patient: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
John : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
John : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
Psychiatrist: Tell me what is your problem?
Patient: I think I am a lovely chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this man sine many days.
The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
Doctor: Hey what you hear whole day? I do not hear anything.
Patient: I know. It’s been like that for months!